Loneliness is a common feeling, but it can be especially severe if you are struggling with loneliness that stems from not being able to express yourself as a sexual being. It might be hard to believe right now, but you’re not alone. The details of our stories might be different, but the feelings are the same: there is something wrong with me for enjoying pleasure with my body. I am bad, gross, weird, disgusting for wanting certain things sexually and so I have to hide.
Maybe you have tried to explore certain desires with a partner, and they laughed at or rejected and shamed you, leaving you heartbroken. Now you’re afraid to date and meet someone new. Maybe you were caught masturbating as a child and the look of horror and disgust on your grandma’s face let you know that there was something deeply wrong with you, which set in motion a lifetime of hiding, not just your sexuality, but your true self. Perhaps when you watched Catwoman as a kid, you felt like there was something deeply wrong about you because you were so excited by her tight leather outfit and fantasized about her tying you up and keeping you captive for her enjoyment.
Maybe you have a similar story, and you can relate to the feelings of having to hide. The fact is that we are swimming so deeply in cultural sexual and pleasure shame that many people feel shame without even having a traumatic memory to point to. Shame can come from spoken and unspoken cultural, social and religious rules around what is ‘normal’ when it comes to sexuality. These external messages turn into an unhealthy internal dialogue composed of harmful words that tell us how wrong, strange or perverse we and our desires are, leading us to believe that there’s something wrong with us. Even more painful is that shame often gets passed down in families like it’s a tradition. Within oppressive systems built on shame we find ourselves living in a cage of isolation and loneliness that cuts us off from connection, play and love.
This is how shame works. It infects and makes us feel like we ARE bad. A mistake. Unworthy of love and care. Feeling shame about our intimate desires can be incredibly isolating. When we feel unable to fully express ourselves sexually, confidence diminishes in many areas of life and real connection with others becomes almost impossible. The natural inclination for many people who feel this way is to isolate themselves from life, so they don’t have to feel the pain. Some may find it difficult to access any sense of intimacy within relationships, including a safe and nurturing relationship with themselves. For some, being alone is too painful so many people self-medicate with alcohol, drug use or watching porn compulsively. And the shame spiral deepens and deepens.
I realize I have painted a dire picture, but there is a way out.
So how would someone even begin a journey toward healing? The first step in overcoming this sense of shame is knowing that you are not alone. Often learning that your story and how you feel is similar to other peoples’ stories and that they have felt the same pain can be a cooling salve on a tender wound of shame. Also, recognize that your feelings are valid, and you have the right to explore them in whatever way feels right for you, as long as there is consent from all parties involved. Taking the time to understand and learn more about your desires, whether it be through exploring books on sexuality, talking with an understanding friend, seeking out a therapist or coach, or joining a group dedicated to exploring sexuality can all help to not only reduce shame, but reclaim that innate sensual part of yourself that is your birthright. Lastly, understanding that you are worthy of all joys — even and especially those regarding sexuality and pleasure — will go a long way towards helping you overcome sexual shame. And, when healing begins in one area of life, it almost always helps heal other struggles we are confronting. It can take time, but it is well worth the effort.
Fortunately, there are lots of resources available these days to help you explore these feelings privately if you are not ready to talk with a friend or a professional. YouTube has an abundance of videos from sex coaches, sex therapists and experts on relationships – all offering guidance and advice in a safe space. There are also countless books on the subject, providing educational information and connection to others through their stories. Some of my favorites are Different Loving by William Brame, Glora Brame and Jon Jacobs, Pussy by Regena Thomashauer and Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha. In closing, I want to remind you to remember that you are not alone. Getting started exploring your sexuality and talking to a trusted professional can be tough. I’ve been there. Feel free to fill out the contact form below for a complimentary session where you can ask me anything.