From advertising to porn to instagram filters, it’s easy to fall into a trap of comparison and feeling like you’re not good enough when it comes to being sexy and attractive. It’s easy to focus on the physical aspects – your body, the mechanics, and the desire to please your partners. But as Dr. Ruth Westheimer, the pioneering sex therapist, so wisely pointed out, “the most important six inches in sex are the ones between your ears!”
I couldn’t agree with her more. Our minds are the key to our sexual enjoyment. If your head isn’t in the game, everything else is turned off too.
The Power of Mindset in Sexuality
Mindset is everything—how we think and feel about sex can either enhance or inhibit our sexual expression.
Consider confidence, for example. A person who feels confident in their body and sexual abilities is more likely to enjoy sex and communicate their desires to their partner. Confidence allows for vulnerability, which is essential for deep intimacy. On the other hand, a lack of confidence can lead to anxiety, performance issues, and a disconnection from one’s own desires.
Mindset also plays a crucial role in how we perceive and process our sexual experiences. A positive, open-minded approach to sex can make it a source of joy, connection, and pleasure. Conversely, negative thoughts and beliefs—whether about our bodies, our worth, or our sexual desires—can create barriers to sexual fulfillment. These barriers often manifest as guilt, shame, or fear, all of which can stifle sexual expression and lead to dissatisfaction.
Overcoming Guilt and Shame
Guilt and shame are two of the most insidious emotions when it comes to sexuality. They are often deeply ingrained, rooted in cultural, religious, or familial beliefs that label certain sexual desires or behaviors as “sick”, “wrong” or “sinful.” These feelings can be incredibly difficult to overcome because they are so tied to our sense of self and our sense of belonging to our family tribe, culture or religion.
However, it’s important to recognize that guilt and shame are usually learned responses—they are not inherent to our sexual nature. Overcoming these emotions begins with challenging the beliefs that underlie them. This is where the “six inches between your ears” come into play. By shifting your mindset, you can begin to view your sexuality as something natural and deserving of exploration and enjoyment.
A powerful step in this process is understanding the origins of your guilt or shame. This can help you dismantle those feelings. Start by asking yourself:
“whose belief is this this? And, where did I get this idea? Do I want to think about sex and my sexuality this way?”
There might be aspects of what you’ve learned along the way that you DO want to keep and others that you want to reshape in a way that serves you now in healthily expressing your sexuality.
Another powerful tool is education. This might involve reading, attending workshops, or working with a sex coach who can provide guidance and support. The goal is to reframe your sexual experiences and desires in a way that is affirming and liberating, rather than judgmental.
The Role of a Sex Coach in Shaping Mindset
While it’s possible to work on your mindset alone, having a sex coach can make the process more effective and less daunting. A sex coach provides a safe, non-judgmental space where you can explore your thoughts and feelings about sex. They can help you identify the mental blocks that are holding you back and offer strategies to overcome them.
A sex coach also provides accountability. When you’re working on something as personal as your mindset around sex, it’s easy to get stuck or give up when things get uncomfortable. A coach can keep you focused and motivated, helping you to push through those barriers.
Moreover, a sex coach can offer tailored advice and techniques that are specific to your needs. Whether you’re dealing with confidence issues, performance anxiety, or feelings of guilt and shame, a coach can provide you with tools and exercises that will help you shift your mindset and enhance your sexual experiences.
Confidence and Performance: The Mental Connection
When it comes to sexual performance, the mind-body connection is undeniable. Anxiety about performance is a common issue that many people face, and it can be incredibly self-fulfilling. Worrying about whether you’ll be able to perform can actually prevent you from doing so, creating a cycle of anxiety and disappointment.
This is where mindset work can make a significant difference. By addressing the thoughts and fears that underlie performance anxiety, you can begin to break this cycle. Techniques such as mindfulness, breathing exercises, and cognitive restructuring can help you stay present during sex, reducing anxiety and enhancing your ability to perform.
A sex coach can guide you through these techniques, helping you to practice and integrate them into your sexual routine. Over time, as your mindset shifts, you’ll likely find that your confidence grows and your performance improves, not because you’ve changed anything physical, but because you’ve changed how you think and feel about sex.
Embracing Your Sexuality
At the core of a healthy sexual mindset is self-acceptance. Embracing your sexuality means acknowledging and honoring your desires, without judgment. It’s about giving yourself permission to explore what feels good to you, rather than what you think should feel good based on societal norms or expectations.
This can be a challenging process, especially if you’ve spent years suppressing your desires or feeling ashamed of them. But it’s also incredibly empowering. When you embrace your sexuality, you reclaim a vital part of yourself. You step into your power as a sexual being, and that confidence radiates into other areas of your life.
Working with a sex coach can accelerate this process. A coach can help you explore your desires in a safe and supportive environment, free from judgment. They can guide you in developing a mindset that is open, curious, and accepting of your sexuality. This, in turn, can lead to greater sexual satisfaction and a more fulfilling sex life.
The Fear of Missing Out
One of the biggest fears that many people face as they get older is the fear of missing out—of never getting to experience their true sexual potential. This fear can be particularly acute for those who have spent years feeling disconnected from their sexuality or suppressing their desires.
The good news is that it’s never too late to explore your sexuality. The first step is acknowledging that fear and deciding that you don’t want it to control your life. From there, it’s about taking action, whether that’s seeking out information, talking to a partner, or working with a sex coach.
A sex coach can be especially helpful in this regard, providing the guidance and encouragement you need to take those first steps. They can help you overcome the fear and uncertainty that often accompany sexual exploration, allowing you to embrace your desires and live a more authentic sexual life.
Empowering Your Sexual Journey
The six inches between your ears hold the key to unlocking your sexual potential. By working on your mindset, you can transform your sexual experiences, enhance your confidence, and overcome feelings of guilt and shame. This journey is deeply personal, but you don’t have to go it alone.
As a sex coach, I’m here to support you in developing a healthy, empowered sexual mindset. Together, we can work through the mental blocks that have been holding you back and help you embrace your sexuality with confidence and joy. Don’t let fear or doubt stop you from experiencing the full richness of your sexual self. It’s time to take charge of those six inches and start living the sexual life you’ve always wanted.