In an age where digital media is an integral part of our daily lives, porn and erotic media have become accessible to virtually everyone. These forms of media undoubtedly play a significant role in shaping our perception of sexuality, relationships and ourselves. And while I believe that they can be tools for healthy sexual exploration, they can also contribute to misconceptions about consent, boundaries and expectations, leading to real-world problems that cannot be ignored. Here’s how to use porn and erotic media wisely and what to be aware of.
The Positive Aspects of Porn and Erotic Media
Let’s start with the bright side of porn and erotic media. Both can serve as valuable resources for sexual exploration and education. For many, erotic media can offer a way to discover their desires and fantasies in a private, low-risk setting. Ethical porn can also provide educational content about sexual health, anatomy, and diverse sexual practices that might not be covered in traditional sex education. When consumed thoughtfully, erotic media can empower individuals to understand their own bodies and realize that their preferences are totally ok, promoting sexual confidence and fulfillment.
The Overlooked Negative Impacts
Obviously, we know the negatives of erotic media. One of the most concerning issues with porn and erotic media is the overlooked need for consent and negotiations. Many mainstream pornographic films depict acts that blur the lines between fantasy and reality, often without clear indications of consent. This portrayal can lead to dangerous misunderstandings, particularly among young people who are just learning about sex and their own sexuality. They likely don’t have a solid grasp of their own sexuality and what healthy sexual relationships look like.
The unrealistic scenarios often acted out in porn can also contribute to skewed perceptions of what sexual activity looks like. This can create expectations and pressure borne out of the assumption that what is seen in porn is what sex is supposed to be, leading individuals to believe that certain behaviors are common or expected when they might not be. Consequently, these misconceptions can seep into personal relationships, affecting if and how people negotiate consent and communicate boundaries. It also leads to sex being a performance, rather than an opportunity to express real intimacy and affection.
Real-Life Implications
The impact of these misconceptions extends beyond the individual level; it permeates society. Misunderstandings about consent can lead to harmful behaviors and attitudes, perpetuating a culture where boundaries are not respected and we start to see each other as mere objects for gratification. It important to point out that often boundaries are not respected because there is no awareness around the need and importance of having boundaries. This, in turn, can contribute to higher rates of sexual misconduct and assault, as individuals may not fully understand the need for clear, enthusiastic consent in all sexual interactions.
Also, the lack of realistic representation in porn and sex scenes in mainstream movies, can hinder genuine intimacy in relationships. If one partner’s expectations are heavily influenced by pornographic media, it can lead to disappointment, frustration, and miscommunication. It’s crucial to recognize that what we see on screen is often a dramatized, exaggerated version of reality, meant for entertainment rather than education.
The Need for Comprehensive Sexual Education
To counteract these negative effects, there is an urgent need for comprehensive sexual education that includes discussions about consent. Education systems and parents alike should take an active role in teaching young people about the importance of consent, mutual respect, and healthy communication in relationships. Open conversations about the differences between fantasy and reality in media can help individuals develop a more nuanced understanding of vast array of sexual relationships.
Comprehensive sexual education should also emphasize the reality of diverse sexual expressions and identities, breaking down the narrow, often heteronormative and unrealistic Hollywood beauty standards that are the all-too-common default in porn and mainstream media. By fostering a more inclusive and realistic view of sexuality, we can create a safer, more respectful society for everyone. This is another important reason that ethical porn can be a healthy resource for erotic media! You can learn more about ethical porn here!
What does healthy consent and negotiation look like? I am so glad you asked!
Let’s start with consent. First things first. The absence of a no does NOT mean yes.
Planned Parenthood recommends an easy to remember guide with the acronym F.R.I.E.S.
- Freely given. Consenting is a choice you make without pressure, manipulation, or under the influence of drugs or alcohol.
- Reversible. Anyone can change their mind about what they feel like doing, anytime. Even if you’ve done it before, and even if you’re both naked in bed.
- Informed. You can only consent to something if you have the full story. For example, if someone says they’ll use a condom and then they don’t, there isn’t full consent.
- Enthusiastic. When it comes to sex, you should only do stuff you WANT to do, not things that you feel you’re expected to do.
- Specific. Saying yes to one thing (like going to the bedroom to make out) doesn’t mean you’ve said yes to others (like having sex).
When it comes to negotiations and talking about what you enjoy and what you want to do, it’s best to have these conversations BEFORE you take your clothes off. This is especially true if it’s the first few encounters with someone. However, even when you’ve been with someone for a while, asking for what you want when you’re already naked or in the middle of sexual play can create pressure to go along with something so the mood isn’t ruined.
Also, it might be important to explain what you mean. For example, when you hear the term power play, what comes to mind? If we were to compare notes, I’d bet we would have significantly different definitions. Now imagine we are couple, deciding to bring power play into the bedroom without talking about what it means to each of us. That is a recipe for some hurt feelings and probably not fun sex, which can lead to resentments and even more not fun sex in the future. So we’d need to talk about these things!
As you can see, porn and erotic media have their place in sexual exploration, it’s essential to approach them with mindfulness and an understanding that it is fantasy. While it can give us some great ideas and help normalize our desires, we must acknowledge their potential to create misconceptions about consent and take proactive steps to minimize these effects in our relationships. This involves open dialogue and a commitment to promoting healthy, consensual sexual relationships.
Let’s engage in these conversations and support sex positive education that aims to inform and empower everyone. By doing so, we can foster a culture of respect, consent, and mutual understanding, ensuring that everyone can enjoy fulfilling and safe sexual experiences.