To be seen and accepted in our most vulnerable desires is one of the most intimate and healing experiences we can have…
BDSM offers many benefits beyond erotic pleasure. What images come to mind when you hear the term BDSM? Many people believe it only means whips and chains and pain. Sadly, mainstream TV and movies perpetuate this stereotype. The truth is, BDSM encompasses a virtually infinite array of experiences that many people would find surprising. While it’s true that BDSM can sometimes involve whips, chains and intense sensations, it can also be a deeply intimate and transcendent experience.
For some participants, it’s a way to explore their fantasies; for others, it’s an opportunity to create a deep connection with another person. There are also those who consider it an empowering form of self-expression—a way to explore different, maybe “dark”, sides of one’s own identity in a safe space. What all these possibilities have in common is vulnerability, openness and the opportunity to be seen and accepted. To be seen and accepted in our most vulnerable desires is one of the most intimate and healing experiences we can have.
Many people who participate in BDSM report experiencing an altered or transcendent state of consciousness during and after play. In my experience, it doesn’t always happen but when it does, there is often a transcendent energetic exchange that begins to flow and I can feel the person I am playing with on a spiritual level. Some dormant magical force awakens in me and takes the experience deeper and higher. I not only feel deeply connected to the person I am playing with, but to myself and to all of life. When this happens, the effects linger long after a session and have positive impacts in other areas of my life as well.
Surprsied? I was, too! And, it may seem counterintuitive at first, but having structure and a safe container are the necessary components that set the tone that allow for a wildly erotic and potentially deeply intimate and transcendent experience to unfold.Whether you are seeking an erotic and wildly fun experience or something more spiritual or both, there are some simple yet very important foundational elements to BDSM play that ensure everyone feels as safe as possible.
If you are new to this wonderful wild world, here’s a little BDSM 101. BDSM stands for Bondage & Discipline, Dominance & Submission, Sadism & Masochism. It refers to a wide range of activities involving consensual power exchange and role-play between two or more people. Power exchange can take many forms; it might involve physical restraint (such as bondage), psychological manipulation (like humiliation play) or even service (like cleaning or doing errands for the dominant). BDSM holds a couple guiding principles to ensure safety. SSC or Safe, Sane and Consensual means that all players agree to practice only in ways that feel safe, sane and are consensual to them. RACK or Risk Aware Consensual Kink means that all players are aware of the risks involved in certain play.
Did you notice how many times I said consent? Yes! Consent is key. Negotiation is a must when engaging in any kind of power exchange activity; all parties should discuss what they want from the experience, set limits on how far they’re willing to go, and agree on a safe word or safe gesture if either person feels uncomfortable at any point during play. Red is a commonly used safe word to stop if someone is at their limits or uncomfortable in anyway. Having a slow down word, such as yellow, is a great technique to incorporate so that when someone is getting close to their limits but doesn’t quite want to stop the play by saying red. If the submissive is going to be ball-gagged, then a safe gesture would be established, such as making a peace sign with their fingers. In the case of hands being bound, another gesture would have to be established, such as shaking the head or some other movement the sub could use as a signal.
Once everyone has agreed on all this, communication becomes essential for making sure both or all parties feel safe and respected throughout their time together. Additionally, if playing with someone new these guidelines help establish trust. All parties need to feel that their partner or partners will respect their boundaries as well as their physical safety before any play begins.
For example, if people are going to play with breath play, which is the dominant restricting the breathing of the submissive, it would be wise to make sure the dominant has been trained properly and knows CPR. I realize this might seem like an extreme example if you’re new to this wonderful world, but I want to impress upon you the importance of being safe and mindful. A lighter example would be, let’s say you saw rope bondage in a movie or in porn and you want to try it. Take classes, either in person or youtube. It’s easy to tie someone too tightly or not be able to untie them, especially if they are feeling panicked and then you panic. I have learned a lot from and highly recommend Two Knotty Boys and Midori.
NOTE: If you are new to BDSM and meet someone that claims to be a dominant (or Dom, meaning male dominant or Domme, meaning female dominant) and they don’t ask you what your kinks and fetishes are or even talk about consent and safe words, RUN. This person either doesn’t know enough about BDSM to be a safe player or they are a predatory abuser. If you don’t feel safe, don’t play.
As you can see, BDSM can be many things to many people. While whips, chains and intense sensations may be part of some play, they don’t have to be a part of your experience. By understanding the basics of negotiation, consent, communication and trust—you’ll be able to create meaningful connections with your partners so you can safely enjoy all the benefits this lifestyle has to offer. With an open mind and willingness to learn about yourself through exploration, you can discover completely new sides of yourself that you never imagined possible, including having your heart burst open wide with gratitude for life and the transcendent experiences the body can give us when we allow ourselves to be seen and allow ourselves to see another, with acceptance and maybe just a little wild play.