BDSM, which stands for bondage/discipline, dominance/submission, sadism/masochism, has become more mainstream in recent years with books like 50 Shades of Grey and shows like Bonding on Netflix. Sadly though, these and most of the portrayals of BDSM in mainstream movies and TV get it very, very wrong and only perpetuate myths surrounding BDSM. Here are a few that I will dispel for you.
Myth #1: BDSM is abuse.
This is one of the most common assumptions about BDSM. To be clear, BDSM without consent IS abuse, but so is any sensual or erotic interaction. If you encounter someone that says they are a Dominant and they’re into BDSM, but they don’t even mention consent and ask you what your kinks, fetishes and limits are, they are not playing within the guidelines of BDSM. They are at the very least an entitled person lacking empathy that doesn’t understand or care to learn the rules and safety of BDSM and what being a real Dominant means. There is also a high possibility that they are a predator and an abuser who is using the label of dominant to take advantage of someone new to BDSM that is unaware of the importance of communication and consent.
When BDSM is done correctly, it is the least abusive and one of the most trust building and intimate experiences people can have. The foundational rule for true BDSM play is that is it safe, sane and consensual or SSC. Communication is key at the beginning, throughout and at the end of a scene or session. All players involved talk about what the experience will include and what it won’t include. Safe words are established and respected. Play without a clear yes is a violation of boundaries and any play that goes against someone’s willingness and consent does indeed qualify as abuse. Anything that is negotiated between two or more people with clear boundaries and safe words can be a wickedly fun and even transcendent experience. When people are willing to be vulnerable to play and experiment with taboo desires, safety is of the utmost importance. That safety allows everyone playing to be seen, accepted and celebrated. This awakens a truly transcendent and magical experience of connection and intimacy. Quite the opposite of abuse.
Myth #2: People who participate in BDSM are mentally ill.
While it’s true that if you surveyed any subset of the population, there would be some mentally ill people among them. But to assume that anyone and everyone that participates in BDSM is acting out a mental illness is false. In the past 10 years, extensive research has been done with people who enjoy BDSM. The findings would have Sigmund Freud turning over in his grave! In 1905, he declared that “sado-masochism” signaled severe neurosis. Sadly, up until very recently, mental-health professionals agreed. Slowly but surely, this is changing. From an article titled ‘What Kind of People Enjoy BDSM?’ published in Psychology Today, August 1, 2019 states that, “The first edition of the American Psychiatric Association’s bible of mental illness, the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM-I, 1952), classified sexual sadism as a “deviation.” The DSM- II (1968) pathologized masochism. And the DSM-IV (1994) listed BDSM as a psychiatric disorder.” Most recently, in 2013, based on hundreds of studies, the DSM-V, the nehttps://aliveandkinky.com/wp-content/uploads/2022/01/placeholder-vertical-1.jpgt edition of the definitive psychiatrist’s manual, removed BDSM from its list of mental illnesses, but still labels it as a paraphilia or unusual sexual fixation. On the positive side, the DSM-5 does not label BDSM a disorder unless it causes harm to the practitioner or to others, which again illustrates the absolute necessity for communication and consent.
One study published in The Journal of Sexual Medicine in 2013 studied 902 BDSM and 434 control participants. This study found “favorable psychological characteristics of BDSM practitioners compared with the control group; BDSM practitioners were less neurotic, more extraverted, more open to new experiences, more conscientious, less rejection sensitive, had higher subjective well-being, yet were less agreeable.” Additionally, many studies including one published on NBCnews.com, states that people who enjoy BDSM tend to be more aware of their sexual needs and desires than vanilla people, which could translate to less frustration in bed and in relationships. Coming to terms with their sexual proclivities that are outside of the mainstream and choosing to live a BDSM lifestyle may also take challenging psychological work that translates to positive mental health.
Myth #3: BDSM play always involves whips and chains.
Whips and chains has become a reference to BDSM in common language, with the implication that all BDSM always means that someone is bound in chains and whipped mercilessly. It might! But definitely not always. The D in BDSM stands for discipline/dominance and can be physical, as in the case of rope, cuffs or chains, or mental restraint. The Dominant can give the submissive rules, protocols and guidelines for how they behave that must be strictly followed. This kind of psychological dominance can be much more exhilarating for certain submissives because they MUST follow the rules without any help.
For example, the Dominant could instruct a sub to lay face down on a table then order them to keep their hands right where they are and do not move. Once the submissive is in position, the Dominant might say nothing and just watch them. This can be very unsettling and exciting for the sub. Then, the Dominant could start using impact play. The impact play, which means using implements to discipline or inflict intense sensations, just might include a whip, but could be a flogger, Mean Mommy’s slipper, a paddle, a cane, a stiletto, it’s really only limited by the imagination of the players. Without ropes, cuffs or chains, it is completely up to the sub to be still. If their hands were bound down, they could squirm and move in response to whatever is being done to them without worrying about keeping their hands in place because they are bound. In this way, it is mental and physical discipline and restraint.
Another example of psychological domination is giving strict rules for how the sub is to behave in certain situations. Maybe they must always walk behind their Dominant on a night out or do not speak until spoken to. Other ways to control and dominate a submissive are with looks of approval or disapproval and using silence to keep the submissive on edge, unable to keep their mind from racing, trying to anticipate what might happen next!
BDSM is really a framework for an infinitely creative style of connection and erotic play. It is an art form for self-expression and experimentation. It requires trust and acceptance of self and the other or others to create a safe, non-judgmental space that naturally leads to an experience that can take you to the heights of erotic play and even deep intimacy. It can even be healing and transcendent because what truly heals is acceptance, love and being seen and celebrated.
Just remember to play it safe. I am happy to answer any questions you might have and guide you in exploring.