Sexual shame can be an incredibly difficult burden to bear, and can have significant adverse effects on our emotional wellbeing and self-confidence in all areas of life. In the many, many conversations I have had with people about their sexuality, most often it is the shame and self-rejection that is causing harm to them, not the challenege itself. Here are some tell-tale signs that you may be struggling with sexual shame.
1. You’re avoiding issues related to sex: If you find yourself actively avoiding conversations, media, or other information related to sex and sexuality, it may be a sign that you’re struggling with feelings of shame. Feeling embarrassed about certain sex related topics is completely normal but if it’s stopping you from exploring your own desires and understanding your right to enjoy sex, it could be time to address the issue.
2. You feel guilty about your fantasies: It’s okay to have fantasies that may seem out of the ordinary or unconventional. The mind can do surprising things and just because you have a thought, doesn’t make it true. Also, some of the things people fantasize about are just that, fantasies. No one should ever feel guilty for their thoughts! If you notice that you’re struggling with feelings of guilt or shame about fantasies, it might be time to talk to a professional to relieve those feelings.
3. You’re keeping secrets from your partner: If you feel like you can’t open up and share intimate details with your partner, it might be a sign that you’re struggling with feelings of sexual shame. A safe and supportive relationship should be built on trust and openness, so having the courage to talk about your feelings can help build a stronger connection.
4. You feel ashamed of your body: Everyone’s body is different and beautiful in its own way – don’t let shame keep you from enjoying the pleasure your body can experience! If you feel like your body is a source of shame for you, it could be helpful to talk to someone about this.
5. You compare yourself to others: Comparing yourself to other people’s sexual experiences or bodies can lead to unhealthy levels of self-criticism and shame. Remember that everyone experiences sex differently and that comparison can be detrimental to your self-esteem and confidence. Additionally, keep in mind that you might be comparing your internal struggles with someone else’s seemingly fabulous external life. They are likely struggling with something, too.
Can you relate to one or more of these? It is important to remember that you are not alone! Talking to a sexuality informed coach or therapist can help you work through these issues, help you improve your relationships, self-esteem and well-being. Once you start to let go of sexual shame, you can open up to new possibilities and experiences that can be incredibly liberating and happily surprising.