How To Start Making Peace With Porn
A recent study found that the porn industry generates anywhere from fifty-seven billion to a hundred billion dollars annually. In the United States alone, porn generates more revenue than the major TV networks AND ALL professional football, basketball and baseball franchises combined (Source: The book, Sex at Dawn by Christopher Ryan and Cacilda Jetha).
Despite the widespread consumption of erotic material, it is still shrouded in controversy and shame because when we talk about watching porn, what we’re really talking about are masturbation and pleasure. And talking about masturbation and pleasure, make people more uncomfortable than talking about porn. Porn then gets pathologized and becomes taboo, which can just make it that much more appealing.
If you are someone who feels like you are out of control around porn and masturbation, I have good news for you: you are not alone and making peace with porn does not mean you have to stop watching it, unless you want to. Here is a five-step guide to help you get started.
Before we begin, inhale slowly through your nose, breathing deep, deep into the bottom of your lungs and exhale slowly through your mouth. Let your shoulders drop. You got this. I believe in you.
Now grab something to write with and let’s dive in.
Step One: Get clear on what aspects of this behavior are bothering you. Ask yourself the following questions:
- What is it about watching porn that bothers you?
- Is it the type of porn you are watching?
- Do you feel embarrassed or ashamed about the things that turn you on?
- Is the amount of time you are spending taking you away from other responsibilities and hobbies?
- What are the reasons watching porn and or masturbating are feeling problematic or out of control for you?
Step Two: As strange as it may sound, porn watching and masturbation are meeting some of your needs. Ask yourself: what needs are being met with erotic media and self-pleasuring? By clarifying what needs are being met, you can start to explore other ways of getting these same needs met in ways that don’t make you feel bad and are still just as satisfying.
Step Three: Gain clarity on where the judgement, guilt and or shame are coming from. Where did these beliefs and judgements come from? Are these negative beliefs and judgements really yours? Are hearing someone else’s voice in your head judging you or telling you how sick or wrong this is? If so, whose voice are you hearing?
Step Four: Make a list of some of your most important personal values. If you aren’t sure what your personal values are, refer to steps one and two and review your answers. Often, noticing what’s missing and feeling into what is bothering you will clue you in to what personal values you truly want to be living by.
This will help you discover any disconnect between your personal values and watching porn. If you discover a disconnect, you can start thinking about how to create a new relationship with consuming erotic media that is aligned with your values. Knowing what you want to be committed to and who you want to be will help you discover powerful and meaningful reasons to make changes or take steps toward stopping.
Step Five: Now, with your values in mind and clarity about who you want be, think about what structures can you put in place to support the changes you are making. How can you create an environment that supports your new choices? This could mean putting your computer in a different room. It could mean changing your routine so that you’re doing something else that is fun and satisfying during the time you’d normally be seeking out porn. Maybe getting back into activities and hobbies you once loved. It might mean having hard conversations with your partner. And it might mean seeking out a coach or other professional help to support you.
Now take another deep, slow inhale through your nose, allll the way down to the bottom of your lungs and exhale ever so slowly through your mouth. Let those shoulders drop again. You did it! I hope this has helped you.
It’s really about being a person of sexual integrity and having personal sovereignty. You get to decide what that means for you. Once you have done some deep reflection and gained some understanding about yourself (which, btw, you just did by reading this.), you can start to create a relationship with erotic media that serves you and your values. And you can gain the power to choose to not watch it or savor erotic media rather than it consuming you.
Remember, change isn’t easy, but it is SO worth it. And most of us don’t change until the pain of staying the same is worse than the pain of changing. If that’s you, don’t beat yourself up. You’re in the majority of humans, my friend.
If you’d like help making peace with porn, click the link for a free consultation.